parenting choices

Yesterday after dinner my daughter thanked her dad for being so generous and rinsing her dinner plate and put it in the dish washer, i was there sitting at the dinner table and listening their conversation, usually i engage and shower her with questions out of jealousy that she thanked him but never after all these years of washing her dishes.

surprisingly i did not engage, sitting silently finishing my dinner but my mind is not silent, i can feel the blood rushing to my brain and so much activity is going on there, and i am very conscious that there is a clash between my good and bad senses, bad diffidently wants to engage in rage and good is trying to teach me something here. i try so hard not to listen to my bad sense and good is keep telling me you are not your peers, you are not your mom or mother in law or grand mother so don't relate anything here and keep calm and i did remain calm. I finish my dinner went upstairs watching tennis and i can not believe i control my bad senses and they are defeated by my conscious effort and i witness that effort and there is so much peace in my brain and i started crying out of joy because i didn't hurt me, i didn't hurt my daughters feelings and didn't install false believes, she felt like thanking him and she did, this whole thing is between them and i have nothing to do or feel anything out of it, and i did came out of it without any feelings attached to it. that is out of box experience to me. it never happened before.

while i am watching tennis with peaceful joy, my good senses started telling me why i should let go of my old beliefs and opened three files in my brain ordering me to clear them and make place for positive stuff.

1st one is, My grandfather and I used to finish lunch and dinner quickly  before even my grandmother sit at the table, by the time she start hers, we used to get up and one day she had enough of it and confronted it to both of us. why can't we just wait for her! and it stuck with me, and after i started family i teach my family table manners and respecting others feelings as well. it didn't went well i demanded, fight, yell, and afraid i am going to end up like my grandma what not, so the scene at dinner table is always tense because i don't want to end up like grandma! to day it is clear that i am NOT my grandma and I am NOT going to end up like her. so file is closed.

2nd and 3rd beliefs are from my mom and mother in law, when ever i cook and their husbands said they liked it, it's a tense atmosphere and lots of word exchanges between spouses, and i stand there thinking and puzzled what did i do to cause this and now i got it, that they are digging their old beliefs and creating a new one for me, i have nothing to do with them, so clear those two files too. 

today I make two conscious choices 1st not to activate these files back again and 2nd choice is, not to create drama that is going to stuck as a belief for my kids. I make a choice to break this cycle and end it with me so my kids don't inherit it.

{text written by me}